Þìîð:English Stories
English Stories
A man walks into a bar one morning carrying a box a little bigger than a shoe box. The man walks up to the bar and sits down at the bar. The bartender asks, "What's in the box?".
And the man responds, "If you give me a beer I'll show you". So the bartender pours him a draft and the man opens up the box and inside is a twelve inch man and a very small piano. Well now the bartender was really interested. He asked the man, "well does he play that piano?"
The man responded again with, "for a beer I'll show you". So the bartender again pours him a tall one and the man in the box starts to play some Mozart.
The bartender said "That is just unbelievable! Where did you get him?" The man again replied, "Give me another beer and I'll tell you." So once again, the bartender poured a beer and the man said, "well you see I was walking down this alley and
I saw this old lamp. I rubbed it and out came a genie. And the rest is history." The bartender asked, "Well, do you still have the lamp? Can I give it a try?"
The man said, "For one more beer, I'll give you the lamp." So the bartender gladly poured one more draft and the man pulled out this old looking lamp, and handed it to the bartender. The bartender rubbed it vigorously, and sure enough, out popped a genie!
The genie said, "you have released me, I will give you one wish". The bartender thought for only a second and said, "I want to have a million bucks!" And the genie replied, "It is done". And then he disappeared. At that very instant the loudest thundering noise filled the air. It was almost deafening. And then the door to the bar flew open and in flew thousands upon thousands upon thousands of ducks! It was just unbelievable! The bartender screamed over the roar of flapping wings,
"No I said BUCKS, BUCKS. NOT DUCKS!" And all the man said was, "Did you really think that I wished for a twelve inch pianist!"
A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says,"Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'"
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too."
Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us"
Two young men were arrested in a drug raid one friday nihgt and had to spend the weekend in jail. Wwhen brought before the judge, Monday his honor told them that because they were just young men he would give them a break but he want them to first go into the community and try to convince other young men to don't do drugs, and to be back in court the following monday.
On the following monday the two reappeared before the judge, and his honor asks the first, "How many young persons were you able to convince to give up drugs?"
"Your honor, I convinced 22 boys to get off drugs." "Well that's great, how do you manage that?" "Well sir, I used illustrations. I drew a large circle and said to them, 'this is your brain before drugs.' Then I drew a small circle and I said, 'this is your brain after drugs." "Well, that's very commendable. .. And how about you?" Turnign to the second young man.
"You honor, I convinced 177 young boys to give up drugs." "177! That's
amazing. How dio you manage that?" "Well sir, I used illustrations also. I drew a small circle, and I said. "this is your butthole before going to jail. .... "
Öèòàòíèê!!